No. 2 - Flatness

On 2019, a young man decided he should have himself checked for any mental health issues before embarking on a journey which will last for a good five years...and the rest of his life. He was preliminarily diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, for which he was given benadryl. Then the pandemic happened. He did not drown himself in medicine because it made him sleepy (doc said it would do for the time being before they see him again, that he needed it to help him sleep). Life continued, and so did he.

Come 2024, a good five years after, he decided to have himself checked again and, with an actual finding and an actual prescription, he proceeded to be under the spell of anti-depressants, this alongside a series of readings re. its actual effects, side effects, how it operates, and what he should look out for - all for the purpose of tempering his expectations.

Obviously that young man is me. And as it is not a magic pill that eases all worries in just one take, it took quite a while for the effects to kick in - effects which were nothing I expected.

Effects were made more noticeable when I had a gradual boost in productivity - no, I was not excited to work, I simply was just a bit more focused; another thing I noticed was that I had a better hand in handling my attacks, I do not zone out as much, and I'm not as lost as I felt whenever those happened, I'm simply...there.

After confirming with the doctor, he did tell me that such was as effect of my medicine, and he had a very great way of describing it - being emotionally flat. This was later confirmed by my sister: she told me once that I am less noisy now than before I started taking. I still feel affection, I still feel excitement, I still do, but I seldom find my heart racing, or my blood pressure rising as easily as before - I'm simply flat.

I do not know what will happen if I stop taking it. Readings and the doctor told me suddenly stopping will have side effects, and I have no intentions of testing that. But, in a matter of imagination, maybe this is what will happen:

Feelings will start to make themselves felt just as strong as they did before, probably even relatively stronger as it might seem to me as if I am facing them for the first time again - remember how habituation cut makes what was habituated to fresh as new - that's it in a nutshell.

But BUT this does not mean I am numb, I am just a bit flat but I still feel. This is me now, I guess, until I move forward in my treatment plan.